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Seven Reasons NOT to Time Travel to the Middle Ages

6069052865_62c016f679_zTime travel is an intriguing concept that, according to scientists, Einstein’s E=mc2 makes feasible—if you’re heading to the future. Stephen Hawking insists going back in time is impossible. Who knows? However, if the ability exists, when you go to the days of knights and ladies, be sure you don’t become a damsel in intestinal distress. Otherwise, here’s what’s in store:

  1. Should a doctor suspect you have internal bleeding, he might prescribe a tincture of ethanol mixed with a ground-up Egyptian mummy stolen from Egypt. Somewhat pricy, in any case.
  2. If struck by a stroke, however, you could enjoy powdered human skull mixed with chocolate. A little gritty, but yum!
  3. While hobnobbing with England’s King Charles II, he may offer you his personal tincture, “The King’s Drops,” consisting of human skull powder mixed with alcohol. Bottoms up! Yet, the skulls that create these scrumptious cures come from Irish burial sites, so maybe Sláinte is more appropriate.
  4. Wounded during your Gothic Getaway? A bandage soaked in human fat is the Neosporin of the day.
  5. A good human blubber massage will ease the gout you’ve picked up, pigging out at all those fabulously fatty feasts in the Great Hall.
  6. While not easy to procure, still-warm human blood makes an amazing energy drink. If you’re traveling on a budget, you can loiter after an execution and, for a small fee, purchase a steaming cup of hoodlum hemoglobin.
  7. Before you return, the Franciscan friary’s recipe for human blood marmalade makes an excellent souvenir.

As Renaissance genius Leonardo da Vinci said, “We preserve our life with the death of others. In a dead thing insensate life remains which, when it is reunited with the stomachs of the living, regains sensitive and intellectual life.” Who are we to argue?



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